a boy and his computer
IM hijinks

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Back when Matt and I worked together, we talked a lot of shit on IM. We started doing this when we were both working for the same company and needed to complain about and ridicule the management or the other employees behind their backs, and it grew out of that. It got to the point where we would IM each other, even though we were sitting right next to each other--that way you don't have to take off your headphones.

Over time these chats developed into a fairly stylized art form, with vague rules and, as Matt put it, a certain je ne sais quoi that gave them coherence. I had logs of it going back a couple of years of all the shit we talked, so I snipped out some of the funniest bits and put them here.

Caution: some of this stuff is really offensive. I mean really, profoundly vulgar and bad. If words like "shit" and "fuck" and "felching homo" upset you, you should avoid reading any of these entries. I hesitated a little bit to put this page up, because I'm actually a pretty nice guy, and Matt is a really nice guy, one of the most decent people I've ever met, but sometimes when guys get together, they behave badly.

You were warned.

1/21/2008   Gaydar   (1 comment)
10/26/2007   Freshness   (No comments)
9/18/2007   GD vs. ImageMagick   (No comments)
8/31/2007   The dawning of a new age, with cake and punch   (3 comments)
4/19/2007   Ur-Jokes   (7 comments)
4/18/2007   Wait 'til you see how the seal plays the horns   (1 comment)
4/16/2007   Pie Chart   (5 comments)
4/13/2007   It's A Living!   (4 comments)
3/19/2007   Web 2.0   (1 comment)
3/19/2007   I never thought of that   (4 comments)
3/12/2007   Good vs. Evil   (3 comments)
2/13/2007   Homo erectus   (3 comments)
8/25/2006   Your Mom   (1 comment)
8/15/2006   Mister Gay Show episode is new!   (7 comments)
8/9/2006   AFK   (No comments)
7/25/2006   The price of fame   (No comments)
7/25/2006   Affection   (No comments)
6/26/2006   Frailty, thy name is Emo   (4 comments)
6/22/2006   Contact   (No comments)
6/2/2006   Lackospinaloma   (4 comments)
5/30/2006   Mutant power   (5 comments)
5/26/2006   Nemesis   (6 comments)
5/12/2006   Office supplies   (No comments)
5/10/2006   I have nothing bad to say about you today   (No comments)
5/8/2006   Reconciling general relativity and... thingy   (No comments)
5/3/2006   Compound insults   (3 comments)
5/3/2006   Sure thing, science!   (No comments)
3/31/2006   Monster cock   (5 comments)
3/30/2006   Funny/silly thingies   (No comments)
3/29/2006   Blog-American   (No comments)
3/21/2006   Sucking discontinued   (No comments)
3/15/2006   Internet friends   (1 comment)
3/13/2006   Advances in jerking technology   (No comments)
2/13/2006   Cheney   (2 comments)
2/9/2006   Shit humor   (No comments)
2/3/2006   More Panda Sex   (4 comments)
8/29/2005   Wasps   (3 comments)
3/21/2005   Pulling humor from Uranus   (15 comments)
3/1/2005   Almost funny   (1 comment)
2/1/2005   Lunch and I have a complicated relationship   (7 comments)
12/7/2004   Nuts in the fountain   (5 comments)
11/24/2004   Instant Half Life   (7 comments)
7/1/2004   REAL coders   (10 comments)
6/30/2004   Surprise   (3 comments)
6/30/2004   starwars()   (1 comment)
6/28/2004   The Second Coming (or, There And Back Again)   (10 comments)
6/24/2004   Fagapalooza   (1 comment)
6/19/2004   Undecided   (15 comments)
6/10/2004   The Magic of the Internet!   (4 comments)
6/10/2004   Donations   (4 comments)
5/20/2004   Love In The Ruins   (4 comments)
5/17/2004   Lost Hijink: Internet Monitoring   (1 comment)
4/30/2004   The Ghost of Hitler, plus SMS slang   (4 comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Most Beautiful Woman   (No comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Classic Eucharist   (No comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Surrealism.com   (No comments)
4/22/2004   Lost Hijink: Amish Blogging   (2 comments)
4/21/2004   Stealth communion   (2 comments)
4/7/2004   Lost Hijink: [ OK ] [ Cancel ]   (No comments)
3/31/2004   Kill! Maim! Destroy!   (3 comments)
3/31/2004   Lost Hijink: Web Religion   (No comments)
3/31/2004   Lost Hijink: Ass Milkshake   (No comments)
3/29/2004   Baptism of the Dead   (24 comments)
3/29/2004   Lost Hijink: Boredom   (No comments)
3/25/2004   Lost Hijink: ABAHC Platinum, Methodist Trademarks   (No comments)
3/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Job Satisfaction   (No comments)
3/22/2004   Lost Hijink: Outclassed   (No comments)
3/19/2004   Loving you   (4 comments)
3/15/2004   Lost Hijink: Polling   (No comments)
3/15/2004   Lost Hijink: Family Economy   (No comments)
3/12/2004   Lost Hijink: Oh yeah, I really hope you like this one   (No comments)
3/9/2004   Live Bat   (3 comments)
3/5/2004   Worms and iTunes   (1 comment)
3/3/2004   Business Plan 2.0   (3 comments)
3/3/2004   Lost Hijink: Lifestyles   (No comments)
3/3/2004   Lost Hijink: Genius   (No comments)
2/19/2004   This too, too sullied flesh   (2 comments)
2/17/2004   Lost Hijink: Verbing   (No comments)
2/16/2004   Lost Hijink: Scheduling   (No comments)
2/13/2004   Lost Hijink: Quorum   (No comments)
2/13/2004   "Database" technology   (No comments)
2/13/2004   PWN3D   (No comments)
2/5/2004   Lost Hijink: Cuisine   (No comments)
1/30/2004   Suckiest   (1 comment)
1/12/2004   Scary   (5 comments)
12/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Surnames   (No comments)
12/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Pepperidge Fahm Remembahs   (No comments)
12/12/2003   Lost Hijink: New Flavors   (2 comments)
12/12/2003   Lost Hijink: Deficit Sucking   (1 comment)
12/10/2003   Stupid caring   (3 comments)
12/5/2003   Jingle Balls   (9 comments)
12/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Action News   (No comments)
11/21/2003   A Very Special Episode   (5 comments)
11/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Nucular Cock-blocking   (No comments)
11/10/2003   Bandwidth   (9 comments)
10/21/2003   ?   (4 comments)
10/20/2003   Lost Hijink: Caffeination   (No comments)
10/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Exit Line   (No comments)
10/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Love   (No comments)
10/13/2003   Lost Hijink: Wall-mounted   (1 comment)
10/10/2003   Volcanoes and poop   (No comments)
10/9/2003   Ass-kicking   (1 comment)
10/9/2003   Lost Hijink: Childhood Trauma   (1 comment)
9/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Expectations   (No comments)
9/23/2003   Interview   (1 comment)
9/22/2003   Lost Hijink: P2P   (No comments)
9/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Countdown   (No comments)
9/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Racist   (No comments)
9/4/2003   Lost Hijink: Boy Butter   (No comments)
9/4/2003   Lost Hijink: Ignorance truly is bliss   (No comments)
8/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Ontology   (No comments)
8/28/2003   Lost Hijink: Rorschach Test   (No comments)
8/28/2003   Lost Hijink: The Final Piece of the Puzzle   (No comments)
8/20/2003   Lost Hijink: Cheese!   (No comments)
8/18/2003   Lost Hijink: Channels of Communication   (No comments)
8/11/2003   Lost Hijink: Job Search   (No comments)
8/8/2003   Lost Hijink: Gigli   (No comments)
8/8/2003   Exodus International   (1 comment)
8/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Wifebot   (No comments)
7/29/2003   Service   (No comments)
7/28/2003   Theology   (No comments)
7/24/2003   Seamus O'Homo   (No comments)
7/21/2003   Lost Hijink: More Happy Mister Gay!   (No comments)
7/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Wet, Soggy Ass   (No comments)
7/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Faux Lesbian Holocaust   (No comments)
7/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Book Sales   (No comments)
7/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Confidential   (No comments)
7/8/2003   Happy fun gay time!   (5 comments)
7/7/2003   Processes   (No comments)
6/23/2003   Lost Hijink: Harry Potter Pre-order   (No comments)
6/12/2003   Suck()   (9 comments)
6/11/2003   Expense report   (No comments)
6/9/2003   Lost Hijink: Grant Proposal   (No comments)
6/6/2003   Lost Hijink: I Know You   (No comments)
6/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Must Be One Of Hannibal's Schemes   (No comments)
6/3/2003   Business plan   (No comments)
5/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Prose Style   (No comments)
5/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Idea Man   (No comments)
5/28/2003   Mistaken identity   (1 comment)
5/21/2003   Breakfast taco proclamation   (2 comments)
5/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Nigerian Scam E-Mail   (No comments)
5/19/2003   Philip K. Dick (heh... he said "dick")   (1 comment)
5/19/2003   Enlargement   (3 comments)
5/15/2003   Fecal matters of great import   (No comments)
5/14/2003   Lost Hijink: Clarification   (1 comment)
5/13/2003   Scalar   (No comments)
5/13/2003   Texas Labor Code §402.083   (No comments)
5/12/2003   Bonding   (3 comments)
5/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Gay Fag Homo   (No comments)
4/29/2003   Lost Hijink: I'm Back!   (No comments)
4/24/2003   Lost Hijink: Mistaken Identity   (No comments)
4/18/2003   Lost Hijink: New Dad   (No comments)
3/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Thin Line Between Love And Hate   (No comments)
3/18/2003   Lost Hijink: All Homosexuals Should Own Guns   (No comments)
3/14/2003   Performance Art   (4 comments)
3/13/2003   Lost Hijink: ANSI Standard Homo   (No comments)
3/12/2003   Lost Hijink: Portuguese Thought For The Day   (No comments)
3/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Bearer of Bad News   (No comments)
10/17/2002   Metrics   (1 comment)
9/23/2002   Gentle persuasion   (3 comments)
9/16/2002   Intelligent design   (No comments)
9/12/2002   Sea dogs   (No comments)
9/10/2002   Dork Night   (5 comments)
9/10/2002   Help Desk   (1 comment)
9/9/2002   Gravitational pull   (No comments)
9/5/2002   Sucking   (5 comments)
8/22/2002   Saccharin   (5 comments)
8/19/2002   Ass-Strips™   (3 comments)
7/31/2002   Foo Fighters   (No comments)
7/30/2002   I'm suing you   (5 comments)
7/24/2002   FellatioMan and Suck-Lad   (1 comment)
7/23/2002   In Elizabethan times   (2 comments)
7/18/2002   Urban slang   (No comments)
7/16/2002   Enforced Profitability   (5 comments)
7/15/2002   Communicating with cheese   (1 comment)
7/10/2002   Fans overseas   (No comments)
7/3/2002   DOES NOT COMPUTE   (No comments)
7/3/2002   Market value   (No comments)
6/28/2002   Intimacy   (1 comment)
6/28/2002   What should I blog about today?   (1 comment)
6/20/2002   19" monitor   (No comments)
6/19/2002   The whichness of what   (14 comments)
6/17/2002   Back from Planet Hooston   (No comments)
6/17/2002   Make-A-Blackmail-Photo kit   (1 comment)
6/6/2002   Mysterious donkey   (No comments)
6/4/2002   Interactive entertainment   (1 comment)
6/4/2002   Networking   (No comments)
4/18/2002   Making friends   (2 comments)
4/2/2002   The gentle bonds of friendship between men   (7 comments)
3/27/2002   Kinky stuff   (3 comments)
3/15/2002   Killing processes   (No comments)
1/24/2002   Animal lovers   (3 comments)
12/20/2001   Friendship is rare   (4 comments)

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Karl Rove Speaks on Obama
What the hey, you need the laugh.
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Hay! moar blog-aliciousness from me!
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Ronald Jenkees
Hello Youtubes!
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Posted by Ryland :: 15 comments
Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital
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Posted by Ryland :: 2 comments
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New Fear & Loathing: Öknen Och Ödemarken Ska Glädja Sig
Not in the best of taste, and may not suit everyone. But then it just goes to show I can exploit any generator Ryland puts out... Then, everything is rilly all a matter of perspective, innit?
New Fear & Loathing: Babalu
Chilliaxin and talking Biz w/the F&L crew!
Philadelphia celebrates the Year of Evolution
I can hear the fundy heads exploding across the nation...
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
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Walls close in on Phelpses
"A federal judge in Maryland on Thursday ordered liens on the Westboro Baptist Church building and the Phelps-Chartered Law office."
Posted by Ryland :: 3 comments
Pat Buchanan: A Brief for Whitey
"This time, the Silent Majority needs to have its convictions, grievances and demands heard." Oh yeah, white people in America have it *tough*.
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New Fear & Loathing: Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?
Tonite's Ep is *NOT* for little Johnny or Janie to look at. Fair Warning. Adult Content!
Sex ed may cut teen birth rate
"Comprehensive sex education that includes discussion of birth control may help reduce teen pregnancies, while abstinence-only programs seem to fall short, the results of a U.S. survey suggest."
Posted by Ryland :: 7 comments
GWB is no Gene Kelly!
A letter to the editor from Gene Kelly's widow.
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Mugging Victim Takes Control
Not what you are expecting.
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latest user comments
Valacosa, 5/9/2008 12:06am:
Deport them to Quebec. One of the really French parts of Quebec. I'd be worried about them reproducing up ...
This is genuinely impressive. Nice work. I got the Buddha. So you know I'm tellin the truth!
The first question that popped into my mind after reading these three accounts was: where the hell were this ...
redraven, 5/7/2008 3:38pm:
The first question that popped into my mind after reading these three accounts was: where the hell were ...
Not my anus, pal. I don't want any hemorrhoids! A seahorse? That's fishy. Prolly a Pisces, workin' for scale.
Revolution, 5/6/2008 10:58am:
Well, that's a simple one to answer. They would be deported to Uranus. I has the pun! ...
If literacy were a requirement for citizenship, these bozos would all be deported. And this would be a ...
Revolution, 5/4/2008 6:59pm:
This reminds me of when RIAA had Fat Wreck Chords listed as one of their supported labels. It took ...
Revolution, 5/4/2008 9:47am:
I will most certainly do that, RR! Thanks for the suggestion. I've been on a fantasy kick lately that ...
David S, 5/3/2008 7:45pm:
Ryland, I find it amusing that abahc appears in that image search not one, not two, but three times ...
redraven, 5/1/2008 1:33pm:
Rev - once you get off the throne and have a chance to visit your nearest bookstore (or Amazon), ...
Mermaid, 4/30/2008 9:01pm:
Sure hope that's the case, and not that he's been ill or something. That's my worry. Come home, ...
Revolution, 4/30/2008 6:21pm:
My favorite Iron Chef is Bobby Flay (even though it seems like he loses a lot). I am ...
redraven, 4/30/2008 12:47pm:
Mr. Shine, he diamond! Ha! I like that!
redraven, 4/30/2008 12:46pm:
Hey...where has jman been lately? Maybe he's still feeling uncomfortable about posting, after the "beating a dead horse" ...
Wolf Kazumaru, 4/30/2008 12:23pm:
What's everyone reading at the moment? Thud!, by Terry Pratchett. Mr. Shine, he diamond!
Mermaid, 4/30/2008 9:11am:
What's everyone reading at the moment? I'm reading Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer, by James Swanson. It's ...
Wolf Kazumaru, 4/29/2008 3:11pm:
Jesus Christ it's a lion, get in the car!!!
redraven, 4/29/2008 2:11pm:
The kids and I are sporadic fans of both versions. The Chairman is a particular favorite, for his ...
Mermaid, 4/29/2008 12:19am:
Who is your fave Iron Chef? Did you watch "The Next Iron Chef?" They needed somebody to ...
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Revolution, 4/28/2008 8:30pm:
Oh yeah! And I watch the new episodes of Iron Chef on Sunday (or some time after that). I ...
Valacosa, 4/28/2008 7:22pm:
There's a construction company around here that's named "Cumming-Cockburn construction" or something like that. Some people should ...
Mermaid, 4/28/2008 5:40pm:
I don't think that I watch anything "live." I DVR it all and skip commercials. Iron Chef ...
Ryland, 4/28/2008 5:06pm:
Same here, except I watch Battlestar Galactica instead of Lost. (Well, and reruns of Law & Order on TNT.) ...
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